Retreat

noun

re•treat

1 a (1) : an act or process of withdrawing, especially from what is difficult, dangerous, or disagreeable

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2 :a place of privacy or safety

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3 :a period of group withdrawal for prayer, meditation, study, or instruction under a director

The author retreats into a necessary dormancy, cocooned in a blanket for comfort. The ache of a recent devastation is too great to plow through. She lies internally gelatinous inside this make-shift chrysalis, waiting for the debilitating pain to dissolve. This slow process is a need and aid to her current fragility. She’s not quite ready to emerge, but when she does, she’ll be transformed. 

"This dormancy, this retreat into herself, is not avoidance. It is the survival instinct of someone who knows that, in this moment, the world is too harsh, too sharp, too full of and demand for her to step into. She must shelter herself, guard the tenderness that is still there, the pieces of her that have not yet learned how to be whole again. She cannot face the world when she is this raw, when every movement is too much, when every word feels like a blade. The blanket is not just fabric. It is a barrier that protects her from the external, from the prying eyes, from the question of what happened, of why".

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Retreat is a self-portrait that captures a period of reclusiveness and dormancy following profound devastation. I'm depicted lying in the fetal position on the floor, enveloped in the warmth of a blanket for refuge, braving the gradual dissolution of pain.

In the background are three stained-glass windows illustrating the caterpillar's progressive journey. In the left window, the worm crawls and feeds on a leaf, symbolizing a period of my life where I explored to nourish my curiosity about the world. In the central window, a cocoon contains the larva at its pupal stage, mirroring the current state of being–inactive and internally gelatinous. Yet, unbeknownst to me, in my grief, a metamorphosis was quietly underway. Finally, the window on the right reveals a butterfly with spread wings, the stage after undergoing a significant change. Its fullness is partially eclipsed by shadow, alluding to the becoming which is yet to be fully realized, but is on the horizon.

This piece is a vulnerable display of my walk through pain, with a message of hope. What seems like total despair, a state of wither and shriveling, functioned like a chrysalis that reshaped my being and brought me through.